I'm feelin very pissed/upset/angry rite now. Why? Well, it's becos i have friend (i guess i should say HAD) who wants to cut out all ties from me. Reason? All she said was : i wanna be happy, i can't smile infront of my parents/classmates anymore. I am a very understanding and forgiving person. And I guess i could understand dat even if it may take all of my understanding-ppl power to do so. Oh wait.. i don't .. so shoot me. Somehow, I don't think i'm the main reason for this to happen. But i can roughly guess wat is. I think i'm just guilty by association. But if i am the main reason, I'd like to know why.
I know she is probably readin this post but as u all know me, i don't care who reads it as long as i get to convey d message and let ppl know wat i think rite? If wat she said was sum test 2 test my character, then i guess i failed. Cos i certainly don't see the logic of lettin ur friends go even if she said she'll regret it. And i did ask her if she was gonna regret, why do it? Her reply was simple : i'm forcing myself. WTF!!!, why would she force herself to do sumthin tat she will regret?. Guess part of d regret was knowing us in the first place. As far as i can remember, this is the first time someone has actually said these sorta things to me. Done this thing to me. Am i dat bad an effect on her life that she has to say this?
Rite, i guess i have to stop feelin sorry for myself. Although i can say i saw sumthing bad about to happen (even if she did say "maybe good news maybe bad") , i could never.. NEVER EVER had foreseen that this might happen. Why does things have to be this way lar.. why.. Fuck(i'll refrain from typin out more)...
You people might be sayin so wat rite? Just another person only ma. Well, she isn't just another person. At least 2 me she ain't. She also happens to be the girl i've been ranting about in my past few post. The girl dat i so deeply care about. The girl dat i thought i might have sumthin special (in a good way) with. So thats why i'm feelin wat i'm feeling now.
So Kat, i guess this is it. Strike 3. This is the sign dat i needed. Needed to move on without having any fear of regrets or wat ifs. U are happy for me yes? *damnnit, cant even find the mood to type 'lol'*. Guess its time to wake up and smell the coffee d. Set my priorities straight once more. Guess one can never defy the wants of god (if god does exist) huh. Guess i have no one but myself to blame cos well, i sendiri gatal go and fall for someone who already says she doesn't feel dat way for me. Oh well, time to find ways to flush & FORCE these fucked up feelings out of my system once n for all. No turning back.
Don't worry, i won't do anything fuckin stupid to myself (ie. hurt myself physically, SMOKE, drink till i get drunk, take drugs, etc.) Nope, my way of doing things is as safe as one can think. Blasting my music so loud that the neighbors complain. Plus, i have plenty of shows to watch (thanks to soon).
U know wats ironic? Here i am havin all this sad n painful things happenin to me when i'm suppose to attend my cousin's wedding dinner later tonight. And yesterday was the wedding ceremony both the traditional chinese style and the modern style (the exchanging of vows, rings and sayin anythin u want to ur family which basically means thanks n sorries). Happy for them dat they manage to find true love.
Oh well, guess dats life huh. Or part of it anyway, hmmm.. sumhow i feel much more calm. Blogging has oways been a good way for me to release built up tension (besides the blastin of music). Like my MSN avatar currently reads : Shit happens, but mostly to me so don't worry.
