Arrrghh... its nearly 5 am and i still cant sleep. And im suppose to have a 9am class later today. Usually, by this time, i should be fast asleep, but dunno why, it aint seem to be happenin today. Guess maybe theres too much running through my mind. No, it doesnt concern girl problems, cos frankly, aint got no girl to have a problem with in the first place. I think actually, im just messed uped about my future as a whole. >.<
I dont know la, ever since my last sem's results came back, my mind seems to be in turmoil. As far as it looks for now, i'm sure i'll have to wait/waste 1 year of my life just to resit the papers. Now this is where my brain n mind starts to take a plunge, so many factors are running tru me, what am i gonna do, wat am i goona be, and most importantly, what am i gonna tell my parents. I've always tried to shut out the guilt of lettin thm down, cos sumhow i am my own worst enemy whn it comes to studies, and they have said so many times " if u have any problems, just talk to us". And the thing is, i dont know wat my problem is. Sure, i think after i tell thm tht im gonna flunk, they will get pissed, dissapointed, the whole nine yards.. but they will forgive me rite? rite? After all, i am still thier flesh n blood.. And thats where the guilt sets in for me. I dont know how to break the news to them.. and eventualy whn they do find out, i'll be lost of words for reasons that plotted my downfall.I just dont like to talk about me failin.. I dont know how much more can i depend on thm wit my concious drivin me nuts.. I have dissapointed them b4, and therefore i cant bare to do it again to them.. but thn, guess i already have.. Shit.. feel so useless rite now.
Now, next on my mind was , lets say i still wanna continue doin what im studyin, and i have to wait a year, what do i want to do during the mean time? Work? i dont know, most likely, but i cant take a full time job as i still have to revise on my subjects and go up to KL to resit for my papers. Maybe a part time job? Or the next thought that came to mind was to work part time in kl, so i'll still be near to college and i can still work, which is not wastin time, but will my parents support my idea? Factors to consider include where do i stay, what job i'm gonna apply, and are they gonna support me finacially.. Then next, to be a bum at home.... which obviously isnt the right thing to do, but that's wat i'll see myself most likely doin -.- .
Then in the twist of irony as life always is, i begin to ponder whether this is really what i wanna do. Counting stuff all day, seeing numbers for the rest of my life, havin a 'boring' but lucrative job. Dont get me wrong, there are certian subjects i enjoy and find interestin like Thermodynamics and Fluid mechanics.. but it does make me wonder, am i cut out for tis? issit really what i want? There is this small dream of mine to be famous via tv/show business, whether its behind the camera or infront of it. You know, that time whn i was at d Hitz b'day bash, i noticed that the ppl workin there, ie the dj's, vj's , performers, are really enjoyin what they do. I may not know how much they make, but it certianly is less thn a lets say qualified engineer, but thn, the joy n fun of havin ppl recognizin u, acknowlaging ur work, and juz making the ppl happy, makes me think : "hmmm.. thats wat i wanna do" . But then, i'll have to start from scratch again.. wastin 2 yrs of studyin sumthin totally different. Oh well, thats juz a side thought... but given my situation, i might think of it.. just might... a minute thing.. But who knows.. -.-.
Then another thing was, what about ppl other thn my parents? what about my uncles n aunts? what about my cousin? and most importantly, what about my friends? What will they think of me when they find out that i'm a failure?? For those who are readin this, u have a head start on knowin my fate.. Will they look at me 1 kind.. and say sumthin in the lines of "tis fella ar, waste parents money, play so much, duno how to study, haiz" or will sum of my friends cast a bad image on me? I might be a lil paranoid on this, but i cant help but wonder. To some , i'm like this smart fella who can study, can play. But after this, i dont know where i stand, i dont even know if i can show my face to them again.. sum how i doubt my muka tebalness can even get me tru this.. I think those who are really close to me will still give me support n treat me the same, well thats what i hope will happen, but what about those i've just met but still consider thm as friends?
FYI, i've made alot of net frens in d past few months, and to be honest, i really do feel some of em are real friends and not juz some1 on the other side of the line, typin away. Reasons being, i kinda got to know thm better, shared thoughts n comments on stuff, mostly like wat normal friends do except the meetin face2face stuff, i noe some might think, they are juz net friends.. why bother.. well, they do bother to me.... -.-..which leaves me, what will they think of me? And seeing that if i do go back to malacca to rott for a yr, certianly i wont be able to be on9 everytime, cos im using dial up.. so needless to say, friendships are gonnna get strained. >.< ... i know that this whole internet thing should be the last thing on my mind, but hey, this is who i am, and the net is part, well, kinda big part of my life. I think i'll write an apology entry to all d ppl i've dissapointed or make myself shy towards next time... as for now, im stuck..
Haiz... also duno what im typin anymore.. its 540am, still aint feel like im goin to sleep. -.- . Guess this feeling of guilt, uncertianty, sadness and worriness (if theres such a word) will lead to me being depressed for sometime.. how long? i dont bloody know -.-, maybe till i settle things wit ppl involved first. Only brightside i can see from this is that, it could've been worse, as in , for 1 example, i could be attached now, and how am i gonna break the news to her that i'm flunkin.. what will she do? will she still want me? haha.. guess i'll never know, and amen to that. That would really drop me to clinical depression -.-. But as for now, i'll try to sleep over it, if i can, and not to worry too much.. again if i can. Ah fuck.. who am i kiddin.. i might be ok for the next few days, but i can see a dark cloud loomin above my horizon.. thn i'll start to feel really like shit. haiz.... what will be of me ... dont know if i can sleep.. have to wake up at 830 and its nearly 6... >.<>
